


Table For Two

by fieryphrazes



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, BJ's Trapper Complex, Closure, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, M/M, Reunions, current hawkeye/bj, i guess this is TECHNICALLY a BJ Goes To Maine fic but it's not THAT kind of BJ Goes To Maine fic, past hawkeye/trapper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:26:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28728843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieryphrazes/pseuds/fieryphrazes
Summary: During a trip to Maine, Hawkeye and BJ visit Boston and run into someone from Hawkeye's past: Trapper John McIntyre.
Relationships: "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	Table For Two

They’d been in Crabapple Cove for 9 days when Daniel started shooing them out of the house.

“I made reservations for you at the Wonder Bar,” he said.

Hawkeye’s eyes lit up, and BJ looked at him curiously.

“Wonder Bar?” he asked.

“It’s wunderbar,” Hawkeye said dreamily, emphasizing his point with a German accent. “Steakhouse in Boston, full up around the holidays. Dad, how did you get us in?”

Daniel gave Hawkeye a guilty little smile.

“I called about 5 months ago.”

“Ah, so you just knew we’d be driving you crazy by this point,” Hawkeye said, playing at being offended. “I see how it is, can’t stand your only son for more than a week without a break.”

“Oh, I thought you two would like a night out on your own,” Daniel said sweetly. “Just a table for two, so maybe I’ll take Erin to the movies.”

“She’d love that,” BJ said gratefully. “Hawk, what’s the dress code for this joint?”

In about two hours, they were zipping through Boston, Hawkeye navigating mostly from memory – the map in the glove box seemed to cause him more problems than it solved. After a few minutes of frustration, BJ did some subtle breathing exercises and decided to let the chaos wash over him. That was life with Hawkeye, after all – one harebrained adventure after the other, no planning involved.

They pulled up to the restaurant just in time for their reservation. The Wonder Bar felt more lived-in than BJ had expected; it had a well-worn patina that was either character or decades of grease. A large bar curved near the front door, insulating the dining room from the street, and small red-shaded lamps at each table cast a warm glow on the room. 

Hawkeye rubbed his hands together excitedly as the hostess led them to a table. They were halfway across the room when someone called out.

“Hawkeye Pierce!”

BJ turned to Hawkeye, who looked stricken, then he turned to the voice. A stranger – to BJ, at least – tall, curly hair, big goofy grin. He looked back at Hawkeye questioningly, but Hawkeye’s eyes were squeezed shut.

The man walked over and clapped Hawkeye on the shoulder. BJ watched as Hawkeye stifled his initial reaction and turned on a smile.

“Hawk, I can’t believe it! What are you doing here?” he asked, clearly delighted to see Hawkeye.

“Trapper,” Hawkeye said, disregarding the hand that was offered and pulling him in for a hug instead. “Visiting Dad, and he kicked us out of the house for the night. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, dinner with the in-laws,” Trapper said with a grimace. “I can’t believe it, Hawk, it’s been so long. I kept meaning to look you up,” he said, trailing off uncertainly. BJ watched as the moment rolled off of Hawkeye – he didn’t know exactly what was going on inside him, but BJ knew there were layers and layers of hurt being pushed down. He could feel Hawkeye compressing himself, until just like that, the feeling was gone. His smile was genuine again. 

“Oh, this is BJ,” Hawkeye said, remembering that BJ and Trapper still hadn’t met. “Your replacement,” Hawkeye finished with a glint in his eye that was part playful, part steely. BJ pretended it didn’t hurt to hear him say it.

“The infamous Trapper John,” BJ said, the smile not reaching his eyes as he shook Trapper’s hand.

“I hear you two got into some trouble yourselves,” Trapper said as he raised an eyebrow. Hawkeye frowned at him.

“Where’d you hear that?” he asked, clearly stymied by the comment. Trapper smiled wolfishly and shrugged.

“Got a few letters from Hot Lips.” His voice hinted at something salacious, but Hawkeye didn’t ask and BJ didn’t want to know.

“Oh, why don’t you join us?” Trapper asked. “Louise won’t mind, she’ll be glad to have a distraction for her parents. Turn the heat off her a little.”

BJ looked at Hawkeye uncertainly, but Hawkeye was already giving his regrets.

“I promised BJ some time alone,” he explained smoothly. “He’s been a good sport about visiting Dad, but – well, good to have a break.”

Trapper nodded, seeming a bit disappointed. In BJ’s darkest places, he was glad to see Trapper aware of what he was missing. What he’d been missing the whole time. What he’d left behind.

“Well – it’s good to see you, Hawk. Hope you’re doing okay, after. Well. All of it.” Trapper paused, a surprisingly sincere look on his face. It suited him, BJ thought begrudgingly.

“Good to see you too, Trap. And – I am. I’m okay. Hope you are, too. And the girls,” Hawkeye said. He clasped a hand on Trapper’s forearm and something flowed between them that BJ couldn’t understand.

One last goofy grin from Trapper, and he retreated into the shadows toward his wife. Hawkeye exhaled deeply and the poor hostess cleared her throat, still waiting to take them to the table.

* * *

Hawkeye was in fine form during dinner – sharp, clever, almost manic. He didn’t realize he’d been waiting for Trapper to show up until it had happened, and now he felt a weight lifted – he didn’t have to worry about it anymore. He focused all his energy on delighting BJ – his favorite pastime since he’d first seen that sunny smile in Korea.

In between laughs, BJ grew a bit pensive.

“Trapper, he didn’t seem surprised that we’re – together,” he said cautiously.

“Why would he be?” Hawkeye asked lightly.

“I just didn’t know if he was -- well -- one, too.”

Hawkeye had never given a clear answer on just how far things had gone with Trapper. He wasn’t sure what to say – he’d made it obvious to BJ that there had been love there, certainly. But he didn’t want to share every detail – it felt like someone else’s story. He couldn’t spill all Trapper’s secrets, even now.

“I don’t think he thinks he’s one,” Hawkeye said diplomatically. BJ looked put out that Hawkeye had dodged him again. The man had a fascination with Trapper – Hawkeye had never understood it, and he couldn’t be sure if the ongoing mystery helped or hurt. Hawkeye sighed.

“Anyway, I’m not here with Trapper, am I?” he said pointedly. BJ tipped his head and held up his drink, toasting to Hawkeye with a smile that acknowledged he was being silly.

It had been a long time since Hawkeye had compared BJ to Trapper, and now – there didn’t seem to be any point. They could hardly be more different. For starters, Trapper was part of the past – and Hawkeye didn’t mind letting him stay there. He’d never been more sure about that.

When the waitress came by, Hawkeye ordered for both of them, which made BJ’s forehead crinkle up in a way that always charmed Hawkeye – a lucky thing, because it was getting crinklier every year.

When the food and drinks came, BJ had to admit Hawkeye had made the right choices – everything just melted in the most delicious way, and BJ forgot all about the grease patina – he understood now why it was worth it all.

* * *

  
  


BJ jangled the keys in his pocket as they walked out to the car. It was a clear, cold night – a few snowflakes blowing through the air, but the snow wasn’t supposed to really start falling for hours yet. Hawkeye walked alongside him, uncharacteristically quiet, hands shoved in the pockets of his coat.

“Hawk,” Trapper called out, a few yards behind them.

BJ looked questioningly at Hawkeye, who gave him a subtle nod, telling him to go on ahead. BJ went, keeping an eye on them in the rearview mirror as the car warmed up.

Hawkeye’s back was to the car, but BJ could see Trapper’s reflection smiling.

* * *

Hawkeye braced himself for whatever Trapper had to say. It still hurt – he hated that it still hurt. He’d been through so much since then, good and bad – and he didn’t know what it meant that Trapper leaving still cut him.

“Hawk, I just –“ Trapper gave Hawkeye a smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. For – you know – how I left and everything.” Hawkeye nodded.

“It’s okay, Trap. I mean, it hurt. I won’t pretend it didn’t. But it’s okay.”

Trapper had a deer in the headlights look on his face, like he had expected Hawkeye to brush it off, to say it didn’t matter.

“I tried to call so many times that weekend, and I could never get through – and I tried to write a note, but –” Trapper stopped abruptly, shrugging and pursing his lips. Like he was trying to be brave.

“You didn’t know what to say,” Hawkeye finished. He understood. Maybe he had the whole time – but now, he finally felt any residual anger dissipating. Trapper had always been good at coasting along, numbing himself to the reality around them, keeping Hawkeye from saying anything too real. Hawkeye had known why – anyone could see it was a coping mechanism. But he hadn’t considered the ways it kept Trapper penned in, kept him from absorbing the weight of – any of it. Even the good things.

Trapper was nodding.

“I didn’t know what to say then – and after. I just couldn’t put myself back there, in that place, to explain –”

Hawkeye smiled softly, full of affection for the man who’d gotten him through so much at the beginning of it all.

“You don’t have to explain.”

“Hawk, I always – I always loved you. I just didn’t know how to show it.”

“You did show it,” Hawkeye assured him. “You kept me sane, you know – or as close to it as possible.” He grinned, and Trapper threw his head back and laughed.

“No charge,” Trapper said gratefully. He reached out to Hawkeye, putting an arm on his shoulder, and hesitantly pulling him in for a hug.

“Thanks, Hawk. For everything.”

As they parted, smiles a little bit sad, Trapper kissed Hawkeye softly on the cheek. They stood there, close, connected, for a moment before Hawkeye pulled back.

“Say goodbye to your BJ for me,” Trapper said, back to his playful, cheerful tone. Hawkeye nodded, and Trapper bounded back toward the restaurant to rejoin his family.

Back in the car, Hawkeye didn’t volunteer what Trapper had told him, and BJ didn’t ask. He just drove, heading back to Crabapple Cove with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel. They had just crossed into New Hampshire when BJ broke his silence.

“I just don’t understand how you can act like everything’s fine,” he said, catching Hawkeye off guard.

“What do you mean?”

“We run into Trapper, of all people, and you hug him? Have a regular conversation? How can you, after everything?” BJ knew he was overreacting. He couldn’t help it – Trapper had always had that effect on him, and he’d never even met the man before tonight.

“Beej, it’s really – it’s not a big deal.”

“Hawk, he broke your heart! It’s a big deal!” BJ practically shouted, and Hawkeye sighed and turned to the window.

“I’m not saying it didn’t matter,” he said, focusing on the dark scenery rushing past. “I’m saying it doesn’t matter anymore.” BJ shook his head.

“Hawk – you don’t have to pretend –”

“I’m not pretending,” Hawkeye interrupted. He was getting frustrated, BJ could tell. That’s what he’d wanted – Hawkeye to voice his frustration – but with Trapper, not with him.

“Look, I loved Trapper. Yes. And he left me there alone. But you may remember, I wasn’t alone for more than 10 minutes. I ran into you, and God, I can’t say I’m happy he broke my heart, but if he hadn’t left there wouldn’t have been you and I’d never have -- “ Hawkeye cut himself off. “But if you want to turn around and drop me off, I guess I can go beg Trapper to take me back. If that’s what you really want.”

BJ exhaled deeply, trying to control the jealousy that was churning inside him.

“Hawk, I know you’re just – just trying to wind me up. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said anything, I just don’t understand how you can see him and talk to him like it’s all fine.”

“It is fine, Beej,” Hawkeye said. His tone was teetering between annoyed and affectionate, and BJ relaxed slightly – he knew that voice, ran into it about five times a day. It was going to be okay.

“It just makes me so angry, to think about him leaving like that,” BJ explained. Hawkeye paused for a moment, looking over at BJ pointedly. BJ was trying to focus on the road, but he felt the prickle in Hawkeye’s gaze.

“You did the same thing,” Hawkeye said quietly. BJ slammed the brakes without meaning to -- the car behind them blared its horn, giving BJ a reality check – he sped up again.

“Hawk, I – I didn’t know you thought about it that way.”

“What way? The way that it actually is? You did the same thing, Beej. You left without saying goodbye. Just because you came back – that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

BJ was silent, thinking. He remembered that day – rushing to pack, with just minutes to get everything in order – not knowing what to say. He felt a sudden, visceral connection to Trapper – a man he’d spent so long hating for what he’d done to Hawkeye. And he’d done the same thing, without even hesitating.

“What would you have done?” BJ asked cautiously, wanting absolution but afraid of making Hawkeye angry again. “Would you have given up the chance to go home, just to say goodbye?”

Hawkeye didn’t hesitate.

“Yes.”

BJ bit his lip, mulling over that response. Measuring up what he knew about Hawkeye – almost everything, now – against how little he knew about himself.

“You really would, wouldn’t you?” BJ asked, but it wasn’t really a question. “You would have stayed the whole time, if it meant everyone else got to go home.”

“I did stay the whole time,” Hawkeye pointed out. There was no blame in his voice – just resignation. He would have stayed. He would have said goodbye. BJ knew it was all true. It made him ache, to realize again just how much Hawkeye would give – all of himself, if someone let him. What he would do for the people he loved. How lucky BJ was to be one of them. How lucky Trapper had been, and how even now, Hawkeye was too loving to shut him out.

“Hawk,” BJ said, choked with emotion. They were crossing into Maine now. “Hawk, I know that you know – but I have to say it. I have to say it every goddamn day. I love you. I love you so much, I don’t know where to put it all – and I’m sorry I didn’t understand that back then. I didn’t know that’s what it was.”

Hawkeye reached over, pulling BJ’s right hand off the steering wheel so he could wind their fingers together. 

“I know, Beej. I know.”

They held onto each other for the rest of the drive, BJ running his thumb over Hawkeye’s knuckles, lulling him into a dreamy silence. By the time they reached Crabapple Cove, the snow was falling softly. It dampened the night, made it feel like they were in their own world, insulated from Korea, from Trapper, from -- everything. Just them, and the snow, and the road home. 

**Author's Note:**

> I owe so much to beloved mutual [herrlichersonnigertag](https://herrlichersonnigertag.tumblr.com/), who beta read and came up with the title. Thank you! 
> 
> I set out to write a tender moment of closure and understanding between Hawkeye and Trapper, but of course BJ and his Trapper Complex got in the way... happily, I think it all worked out for the best.


End file.
